Day 11
I just want to know that it is all going to be okay. I just want to know that there will always be clients to engage and support. That there will also be a new opportunity that brings in growth and resources. I want to know that my kids will be happy and that there will be food on the table.
This is a window to my anxiety. So many people live without answers to these reassurances everyday. They live fighting for these things everyday. My heart aches and I struggle. Struggle to know that we are all connected energetically and through our shared humanity. But so much of the pain that is caused by a system that is stacked and has been stacked for a very, very long time.
I know intellectually. emotionally and energetically that me being me, me being vulnerable and curious and acting on that will create a shift in the system.
And there is a spiral and there are moments when I just want it all to be okay. And I sit with that. Allow it to move through me, to motivate me, to teach me.
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Day 12
One of my shadows deeply affects how I show up. It tells me that I am not enough. It tells me that there is a right answer and I won’t have it and then I will get voted off the island. It is imposter syndrome, perfectionism and self-doubt all rolled into one. And when I let it, it really gets in my way.
Over the years I have tried to relinquish it. And by force it leaves. But then I have to hold on really tight to actually keep it gone.
A frame that was given to me was forgetting and remembering. I forget that I am enough. I forget that I have the answer and then I remember. Something reminds me. A coach, the sunshine, a breeze, a breath. The time in anxiety gets shorter and I remember.
I also remember that not everyone has had the message that they are enough. Not everyone has been allowed to hear their own voice to know that they have the answer. That is a part of my crusade. I hope it spreads through me to the ends of the earth and beyond.
