Dear Written Word –
Hello old friend. First, I am acknowledging that I have not made time for you. I have not made time to sit and type. As I write that I feel shame – what is wrong with me that I couldn’t prioritize correctly, or be more efficient? Why I couldn’t say “no” to those things that would take energy that I didn’t have to give? Why did I think myself the savior of all? Why the need to fix first before I could be in a space to check-in and feel words? Why did I had to effort to a satisfactory point that I thought I could no longer be judged for what I haven’t gotten done?
Why have I not been okay to allow myself to be with me through the way that feels so good – so supportive of me? Why have I not nourished myself with a practice – for me a spiritual practice – that speaks to all of me, the nooks and crannies as well as the parts that the world around me sees?
These are my initial thoughts – my inner manger scolding me – with a backdrop of capitalistic and patriarchal conditioning.
My wise self whispers the break is all a tool, a way to give me space, to give more energy to the work that is happening underground, the seed forming roots.
I have been hiding – from me – as a tool for safety. I didn’t have the words yet.
I have been with things I can’t fix – a husband with health challenges. Three humans that call me mom who have been challenged and are struggling with anxiety and various other neurodiverse parts of themselves. That is the space I have been living in.
Recently my body has allowed the energy that there is nothing to be fixed; only to be acknowledged and present with.
The seed is taking root. And it is exhausting. So much energy.
I have been hiding as if in a dark room, with light slipping under the door, inviting me to see what is on the other side, but I have not wanted to get up an open the door. I have been enjoying the solitude, being supported by the floor I am sitting on, my head leaning against the wall.
The seed roots get longer – getting more nutrients from the surrounding soil.
I have been hiding from me – emotionally. Afraid to be real and honest with myself. Afraid, because it meant starting a new unfamiliar journey.
I have been hiding from these words, because writing them and giving that part of me voice has been really scary. What if I say what I am really thinking, sensing, feeling and I am alone.
I write all this to see myself and acknowledge and sense and feel. I also write this for all the those who have ever had the realization that they have been hiding from themselves. I write for those for whom it is not safe to see themselves.
A green leaf peeks from the soil.
Hello old friend, good to be with you – thanks for being here – when I needed you and when I was ready. The image of myself is emerging, both in words and in form, in my mind’s eye. It is an ongoing healing – and I am reminded by Bell Hooks – it is something to bring us together.
“Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.”
I hide as a tool – safety and silence in the darkness, establishing roots and when ready, sending shoots above the soil.
No I haven’t been hiding, I have been dormant, saving energy to grow again.
A place to receive the energy for growth – awakening – that is the intention of The WELL Mastermind.
The WELL Mastermind is space to nourish the roots, receive air and sun for the shoots to break ground. A place to be seen, a place to not always have the words. Permission to be.
Warmly-
Jenny
