Heartburn, an achy left knee, and noises that come out of my mouth when I stand up.
Scrolling YouTube for the perfect morning routine, I resolve before closing my eyes for the night that “Tomorrow is going to be the day that…”
..I wake up before the 4 year old to have some quiet time.
..I give up sugar.
..I drink 8oz of water first thing.
..I do my morning pages.
..I meditate.
..I go for an evening walk with the dog.
..I do all of the things that I did before to heal the heart burn, help me knee bend with ease, and allow me to stand up with a little more grace.
So what is the issue?
This time it feels heavy.
The voice that is making these intentions is a a bratty “I told you so, you know better.” voice in my head. She is scolding me for not doing the thing I know to do. She is telling me secretly that I can start the habits again, but they aren’t going to stick.
Look, the road got tough and you caved.
Wow, she is mean.
So I slink away to to try and do the thing she is telling me to do. I try, I really try. But it is painful. Painful in a “go to your room and think about what you have done.” kind of way. Humiliating, really.
So I sit and sit and I sit and I realize the sun is shining. It feels really good on my skin. I don’t think I have noticed it in a while.
Breathe.
I get a ping of pain in my knee and I breathe into it. Acknowledging it and giving it gratitude for its reminder to me to take care of myself and move in ways that feel good.
The heartburn, yep the reminder that chocolate I have been sneaking has run its course.
The noises when I stand up, those are fun sometimes.
The mean girl is being benched for a bit.
She is there, she is always there. She was programmed at an early age and she does her job well – guilt and shame me into action. With her high blonde-ponytail, blue eye-shadow and pegged jeans (my in Jr. high, you know it!)
There is a new player that is also getting some game time. Actually she is not new, she has always been there too, but the mean girl was a little scare to let go of control (our ego loves control doesn’t it.)
I am getting to know her. I am feeling into her. I am learning how to be guided by her; to hear her.
Sitting and feeling the sun.
I am curious, what does your mean girl look like?
Tell her mine says hi.
To a life all in-
Jennifer
